FROM left: Ruby Rose as Adele Yusef, Nina Dobrev as Rebecca Clearidge, Tony Gonzalez as Paul Donovan, and Vin Diesel
as Xander Cage in “xXx: Return of Xander Cage”
VIN Diesel is an international man of mystery in “XXX: Return of Xander Cage.”
And if you are wondering just who in the world is Xander Cage, join the crowd. I had to look up the first Xander Cage movie — “XXX” — that came out FIFTEEN YEARS ago.
What is with all of these dopey Hollywood producers that think they can wait this long to launch a sequel? I know, I know, it must have been because the lead actor, in this case superstar Diesel, was for all intent, extorting the studio (producers Revolution Studios and its lead distributor Paramount Pictures) for as many millions as possible before returning to a role no one can recall.
Oh, and did you know there was a sequel to the original XXX that was released in 2005, entitled “XXX: State of the Union” starring (wait for it) … Ice Cube.
Who dat? That’s right, some nobody called Ice Cube (that’s his real name) took the role from Diesel (he apparently still wanted more money and the studio balked) and made a laughably awful shoot ‘em up sequel that died a whimpering death at the box office.
So, I was wrong.
It’s actually been TWELVE YEARS since the last XXX movie came out and like Diesel’s recently dreadful “The Last Witch Hunter,” we can all give thanks around the dinner table tonight that this supposed lead actor (his real name is Mark Sinclair) will be cleaning his dentures while snowboarding down the Alps in a wheelchair when the next XXX movie graces the silver screens of Cebu.
Here is the official synopsis:
“After coming out of self-imposed exile, daredevil operative Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) must race against time to recover a sinister weapon known as Pandora’s Box, a device that controls every military satellite in the world. Recruiting a new group of thrill-seeking cohorts, Xander finds himself entangled in a deadly conspiracy that points to collusion at the highest levels of government.”
Oh, how many ways can I ask you to stay far away from this film?
“XXX: Return of Xander Cage” is by far one of the most utterly degrading films ever concocted towards women — as in “ever made in the history of cinema.”
Deepika Padukone as Serena Unger in xXx: RETURN OF XANDER CAGE by Paramount Pictures and Revolution Studios.
That’s saying something.
Like Woody Allen’s “The Purple Rose of Cairo” in 1985 where a movie character walks off the screen and into our real world, I instead wanted to walk up to the screen and into this film only find Vin Diesel (sorry XXX) and slap him silly.
Scantily clad women are less than sex objects and more personal playthings for Diesel (sorry, I just can’t type XXX anymore) of whom I down have far less respect now than I did before sitting down to watch this dreg. Even the female lead, “evil” Jane Marke (Toni Collette), is beyond degrading to every woman on this planet.
DONNIE Yen as Xiang
The only socially redeeming value to this film is to watch the really great acting of Donnie Yen, who is outstanding in the currently running “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.” Yen has finally broken through into Hollywood’s A list and rightfully so.
He is terrific!
Bouncing around the screen like a golden retriever puppy, Yen makes Diesel, 49, look like an elderly High School athlete who can barely get off his cushy home sofa to find his crutches.
A minor and very silly role has been given to the ever busy Samuel L. Jackson (“The Avengers”) as the “handler” of XXX, Augustus Gibbons to “connect the original film FIFTEEN YEARS ago” to today.
How many ways can I plead to save your hard earned pesos and stay away from this film?
I grant you that the location shots in the Dominican Republic are lovely as well as the rail thin, gyrating women strewn around the set for Diesel’s XXX to ogle at — have intimate relations (almost off screen) and return from his nocturnal “adventures” to — get this — go surfing using a motorcycle. I kid you not.
If I was watching “XXX: Return of Xander Cage” on board an airline flight, I would have eagerly strapped on a parachute and waved to the flight attendants as I pulled the ripcord at 35,000 ft.
I’m going to save this review and read it again in ELEVEN YEARS — no, sorry — 11 months from now so I can add “XXX: Return of Xander Cage” it to the listing of “The Good, The So-So and The Stinky” as one of the worst films of 2017.
Questions, comments or travel suggestions, write me at readingruffolos@gmail.com.