Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation
LET me tell you why I hate sequels.
Case in point: The latest cartoon mayhem of Adam Sandler’s Count Dracula and his troupe of monster misfits in Sony Animation’s “Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation.”
After the second film in this series, I thought some uber-brave vampire hunter would have done the world a big favor and put a stake in ‘ol Drac’s chest cavity and save us the unending torture of having to sit through yet another 90-minute cartoon slug fest.
If you really want to know how bad a movie created for the pre-teen, kindergarten set, look no further than any of our three children.
Our five-year-old twins Nicholas and Antoinette, along with two-year-old Jeffrey Jr., joined Dear Old Dad for a home preview showing of “HT3.” (I am using this acronym as it is far easier on my fingertips than having to type out “Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation” throughout this review.)
All three were excited to see the continuation (i.e. sequel) of the “HT” series as they all loved the second film in which Dracula’s half-human daughter Mavis (voiced by Selena Gomez) gets married to a 1960s hippie wanna-be and “presto-chango” out pops a cute little baby all their own.
“HT3” starts with a flashback to Transylvania 1897 when Dracula and his cartoon monster buddies are off on vacation–by train–only to be interrupted by the absurd cartoon version of Abraham Van Helsing, Dracula’s originating author Bram Stoker’s now legendary vampire hunter.
But in “HT3,” Van Helsing is a self-destructing goof of whom Sandler’s Dracula easily dismisses one attempt after another to take the undead master’s “life” throughout the ensuing decades.
Back in the “now” and bored with “eternal” life as one of the undead, Dracula, along with best buddy Frankenstein (Kevin James), the werewolf Wayne (Steve Buscemi) and all their freakish friends, fly a chartered plane piloted by gremlins from the ninth level of Hades, down into (quite literally) the Bermuda Triangle where they eventually board a ultra-modern cruise ship captained by—wait for it—Van Helsing’s only granddaughter Erica (Kathryn Kahn) who happens to be the only human on board this “monsters-only” cruise.
One thing leads to another and without spoiling too much, Erica and what is left of her father Abraham, plan one miserable attempt on Dracula’s “life” after another.
Let me go back to our kids for a moment.
Exactly six minutes into the start of “HT3,”
Antoinette and Jeffrey Jr. got up from the table and went to play with their toys—leaving only Nicholas and myself to slog through this really dreadful film.
Nick laughed a lot. And I spent the rest of the 89 minutes answering e-mail.
Helming this third of the series, Genndy Tartakovsky returns to his master computer from the second “HT” to direct this animated cartoon which is just not very funny.
I suppose taking Dracula and his crazy monster minions out of Hotel Transylvania and onto a cruise ship was the director’s only way of juicing up a script which otherwise would have had every one of these cartoon characters running around like lunatics as they did in the first and second movies.
It doesn’t work and the faux-romance that is concocted by Tartakovsky and his writing partner Michael McCullers, between the Lord of the Undead (Dracula) and the granddaughter of his greatest nemesis (Abraham Van Helsing) was telephoned in from somewhere in Eastern Europe, in the dead of winter, during a raging hailstorm and from the top of a mountain that only eagles dare fly.
Yes, it is THAT stupid of a film.
Fortunately “Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation”—sorry “HT3”—is only 97 minutes long and I can guarantee any adult who is hogtied by one of his/her younger children to see this film must not forget to bring along a set of really-good noise-abatement headphones.
After you settle into your seat, and the young ones are curled into theirs, turn on your headphones, take off your glasses, close your eyes and sit back for a good power nap.
Questions, comments or travel suggestions, write me at theruffolos@readingruffolos.com.