In “Moana,” Walt Disney Animation Studios’ upcoming big-screen adventure, a spirited teenager named Moana (left) sails out on a daring mission to prove herself a master wayfinder. Along the way, she meets once-mighty demi-god Maui (right).
AGAINST all odds, a young girl fights to save her island home in Disney’s Moana.
Disney has concocted this cartoon adventure set in Polynesia and placed its world crushing film team that produced “Frozen” and “Big Hero 6” onto the unspoiled high seas.
No less than eight writers are credited with this film, no doubt everyone in the writer’s room were barking like mad fools for a chance to create this mess with — get this — four different directors.
This movie is screaming for a remake before it hits theaters.
Needless to say, this reviewer did not care for Moana, another useless Disney exploit to sell merchandise.
Don’t get me wrong. The animation is magnificent. The depiction of Ancient Polynesia is amazing and you will never see the vast ocean as blue as what the Disney animators can conjure.
What am I saying?
We live in the Philippines and have all this same natural beauty all around us.
Tenacious teenager Moana (voice of Auliʻi Cravalho) recruits a demigod named Maui (voice of Dwayne Johnson) to help her become a master wayfinder and sail out on a daring mission to save her people.
But at its core, “Moana” is all fluff.
Here’s the official synopsis: “An adventurous teenager sails out on a daring mission to save her people. During her journey, Moana meets the once-mighty demigod Maui, who guides her in her quest to become a master way-finder. Together they sail across the open ocean on an action-packed voyage, encountering enormous monsters and impossible odds. Along the way, Moana fulfills the ancient quest of her ancestors and discovers the one thing she always sought: her own identity”.
Let’s stop right here.
What the Disney publicity machine won’t tell you is that “Moana” is one of the most abject violent movies to come around in a generation.
I wouldn’t take either of my three-year-old twins to see this rubbish unless they were hogtied to a hospital gurney and wheeled in with no less than three physicians standing by. The appearance of the Lava Monster would have them screaming for the exits.
I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that Disney hates little children and always has. From the very beginning, be it killing Bambi’s mother, to poisoning Snow White, to this animated trash heap of a film, over the decades, these Disney cartoon films have not only become two-hour long merchandising commercials (in Moana’s case 103 minutes) but have shoved into little children’s minds the most horrific and abject violence imaginable.
Young Moana interacting with the Ocean.
I am of the generation that grew up with “Lady and the Tramp” from 1955 where the only violence (and it was shown “off camera” and in shadow form) were barking dogs.
Now we have Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson as Maui, the massively huge “demi god of the wind and sea” who accompanies Moana on her hapless journey and will be forever enshrined with the immortal words, “really, blow dart in my butt cheeks.”
Are you kidding?
This is why you had so many people in the writer’s room and with far too much caffeine and stale pizza to chow down on.
Hercules he ain’t folks!
And we have to listen to this former WWE “Superstar” sing.
Yes, the music is lovely although the Hawaiian melodies from “Lilo and Stitch” were far better. And the introduction of newcomer Auli’i Cravalhoin the title role will likewise have millions of teenagers dreaming drams of one day being a Disney voice over “star.” Her scenes as an innocent baby, coming into the fullness of life, is of itself a wonderful film that I would have eagerly jumped onto the Disney PR bandwagon for.
Otherwise, ugh!
Hey, I know, let’s all follow the big demi-god into a bottomless pit and into the realm of monsters. I’m sure both of my twins would jump at that chance.
Double ugh.
Maybe it’s heresy for any film critic to say anything remotely negative about Disney.
Well, in this case, I am proud to stand tall and true in defense of three-year olds who don’t have a voice in this and of which the Disney marketing machine is designed to seduce.
Parents have no idea what they are walking into and will see “Moana” in the eyes of an adult world. To them, “Moana” is nothing.
Try telling that to your small child when they wake up screaming in the night when the snarling Lava Monster suddenly appears in their bedroom — reaching out to ensnare them and pull them into the bottomless pit.
Questions, comments or travel suggestions, write me at [email protected].
