Dear Ms. Belle,
I am a parent of four children, who are all grown up, with three of them having their own families. The best part of my life now is my seven grandchildren. My husband and I are lucky to have inherited properties from our parents. They were successful in their businesses so we grew up not wanting in material things. Many of those ventures have closed, but because our parents bought properties we were lucky to have them when they passed away. My husband finished an engineering course but he did not get to practice because he was looking after the properties. I worked in a stable company for many years. It was not only financially good for us, but it also gave me a sense of pride of having accomplished work. For his part, my husband managed our apartment, office spaces and house rental business. Actually, I am happy that my husband has done this because he was quite a problem for his parents before. But when he married me, he really changed. So I am quite happy in my married life. On the other hand, I’m very concerned about my eldest son who’s gay. I do not have a problem with him being gay. It’s his lifestyle that I don’t approve of. He practically sleeps the whole day and goes out at night. He hangs around in bars or the casino with his friends. He doesn’t have a job and depends on the allowance we give him. I also found out that he has been borrowing money from his brother and sisters but never pays. We give him a substantial allowance but it is not enough given his gallivanting. He is already past 40 but it doesn’t seem like he’s interested in making something out of his life. I am really frustrated and sometimes I want to give up and let him go away so he learns to fend for himself.
Expectations! You say that your son is past 40 and not interested in making something of his life. That your life is picture-perfect–a good marriage, grandparenthood, financial security–except for one thing: your gay son. You mentioned that your husband had a college degree but never practiced his profession since you have inherited properties. But then your husband has a family and is seemingly successful in managing inheritance as means of provision. Would you have felt better if your son didn’t work, lived on allowances from inherited properties but married and had kids who will contribute to your happiness as grandparents? Now since he is gay, you would expect that he would develop another part of his life and be successful at work. You have lived on the wealth your husband’s family got. Perhaps your son also feels he could live on allowances from inheritances. I think you need to focus on the great things you have and set aside your frustration about the seeming failure of your gay son. Some people find their passion early in life, others late in life, and there are also those who never find it. Whatever the case, be there to support your son.