‘Toxic’ habits parents unconsciously develop

CEBU CITY, Philippines — Our parents have done so much for us.

They have been a constant presence in our lives and they have sacrificed so much to make sure that we have food, shelter and clothing.

Most of the time, they mean well.

Other times, parents tend to do some things that can somehow affect children in a negative way.

We asked around and listed down these toxic habits, which parents unconsciously develop that can take a toll on the children.

This piece is not meant to judge parents or belittle what they do for their children.

Instead, we hope parents will take this as a reminder so we can better guide our children to be compassionate and socially-conscious individuals who are members of a greater community.

Comparing siblings. Parents sometimes think that doing so will motivate us to do better than usual. But most of the time, the action does not fulfill the intention. Instead of encouraging the child, parents may end up embarrassing the child. Children may feel they’re not good enough if parents do the comparing often. The effects are worse when it is done in public.

Making decisions for them. Parenting these days is not anymore about authoritarian rule. Sure, it is a valid reason that parents are worried about what will happen to their children especially these days when cybercrime and social media bullying are rampant. But it’s also not a healthy practice to just make decisions for your children. It gets worse when parents decide what sports the child takes up, the bag to purchase, the friends to keep. Let the children choose freely and then guide them along the way. They would appreciate it. Really.

Refusing to hear them out. Parents need to take their children seriously. This means that parents need to hear their children out when they explain their side. Parents need to listen to what children have to say. Doing so means being in the now. Look at them, listen to what they say. Be involved so you’re not just a parent who is more updated about parenting strategies on print but haven’t applied them in real life.

Doing everything. Remember: you are the parent, not a servant. It can be tempting for you to do all the job for them but there is wisdom in tossing them to the lions and let them save themselves. Okay, that they might be a tad too harsh. But you get it, right? Do not just spoon-feed everything to them. Let children make decisions and standby their decisions. Allow them to commit mistakes and learn their lessons. Give them opportunities to take responsibilities at an early age. With your guidance, they will turn out as productive members of society.

Expecting way too much. Parents only want the best for their children. That’s a given. That is why parents tend to be very conscious when children do not accomplish age-appropriate behaviors. Panic kicks in when the child is not yet toilet trained at age of 4 or that a grade is lower 85% in Mathematics. Expectations are difficult especially when parents just assume that the child understands what is EXPECTED of him/her. The best way to solve this? Open communication. Talk about expectations so you can manage them. Keep an open mind and an understanding heart. Most of the time, children flourish in an atmosphere where they are given the freedom to do what they are passionate about.

Acknowledge your mistake when you catch yourself developing this behavior. You are not a bad parent, when along the way, you develop this behavior. But do not nurture the behavior. Try your very best to be the parent who listens more. The key to healthy parent-child relationship is openness and constant communication.  / celr