Dear Ms. Belle,
I have been married for almost 30 years. I married the girl I thought was the best for me, and I really fell in love with her. Back when we were still dating as boyfriend and girlfriend, we were really happy together. I know my wife then was quite independent and purposeful. In fact I had to wait for two years before we got married because she wanted to travel to many places before settling down. Although I wanted our wedding to be earlier I agreed because I know she wanted it. We have four children now, two girls and two boys. Our two elder girls are already married so we have two grandchildren who give us happy moments. The problem is that my wife and I are always quarreling all these years. She would threaten to leave me if I don’t do what she wants. But many times I just can’t understand what she wants. There are instances when she just gets angry, and I don’t think I did anything bad. I am quite talkative, and I like making people laugh at parties. My wife is the quiet type, and many times she gets upset when I’m enjoying the party. I don’t want to lose my family so I go along as much as I can. But sometimes I feel so unhappy and wish that my wife were more understanding of my personality.
Danny
Dear Danny,
It takes two to tango. It seems that you and your wife have differences, but that is true for all marriages. Each couple would have their own way of coping. Quarreling is part of any relationship. In fact, it is a form of communication. You mentioned about being talkative while she’s reserved. Perhaps you could ask her what it is that bothers her about your loquaciousness and being the life of the party. Most often, wives not only focus on being critical, but they also look at the consequences of what her husband does. What do you talk about in parties that bothers her? The language you use? The reaction of those listening to you? The manner of which you express yourself? The talk after the parties? Women are often more expressive in words, and this is a typical man-woman argument. Your wife may be telling you something that you have taken lightly but is a major concern for her. You said you can’t understand what she wants many times. Perhaps you weren’t listening (read between the lines). You are ruled by what you think she is saying and not what she is really saying.
For example: “You certainly had all the people even the women laughing and enjoying your jokes.” You say: “What’s wrong with that? There is nothing there.” She says, “Fine.” It is not fine. Take note of the words “even the women…” It bothers her. There is nothing wrong with it but it bothers her. If your marriage is important to you as you say it is, then look at what bothers her even though it may seem ridiculous. For peace in the home and a smooth relationship, you have to define your priorities.
Ms. Belle
