Remembering the dead differently in the pandemic
(Part 2 of 2 part series)
CEBU CITY, Philippines — The pandemic has changed many of the social traditions of Filipinos during the Kalag-kalag season as public gatherings have been prohibited on many levels including in the cemeteries.
In fact, the Inter-Agency Task Force (IATF) has announced the closure of the cemeteries from October 29 to November 2, 2021, although the Cebu City and Lapu-Lapu City governments have requested an exemption from the order.
Many families in the region have lost their loved ones this pandemic with the virus taking a total of 5,722 lives in the provinces of Cebu, Negros Oriental, Siquijor, and Bohol including the three highly urbanized cities (HUCs) – Cebu, Mandaue and Lapu-Lapu.
If the IATF insists on the closure, the families of these individuals will not be able to visit their deceased loved ones’ graves again.
One of the prominent families who lost a member of this pandemic is the Cuenco clan of Cebu City.
Former Congressman and late Councilor Antonio “Tony” Cuenco died on June 27, 2020, due to COVID-19 complications, and his son, James Cuenco, had to take over his seat in the Cebu City Council.
Tony was a beloved patriarch of his clan and a well-respected senior in the political scene in Cebu. He was 84 when he died.
His son, current Councilor James, said he misses his father’s conversations about politics and public service as he usually did so over mealtimes.
“I always miss his words of wisdom. Every time we are together, the topic as always is politics gyod. When I was growing up I asked why we don’t get the privacy just like normal families because there were always people in our house,” said James.
This year’s Kalag-kalag would be the second time the family would be remembering Tony Cuenco following his death.
For the second time as well, Councilor James said the family chose to hold a private reunion at the mausoleum of the Cuenco clan in Mandaue City ahead of the Kalag-kalag.
“We usually do not join the crowd but this year, we actually held it ahead of time kay basin magclose ang cemeteries,” said James.
(We usually do not join the crowd, but this year, we actually held it ahead of time because they might close the cemeteries.)
One of the new practices they did as a family was to talk to Congressman Tony’s grave as if he was there to listen to them.
“I spoke to him directly as if he was around. I told him nga (that) ‘Dad, if you were here, you would not believe our political situation.’ I talked to him about Cebu City,” said Jame
If he had the chance to speak to his father again if only for a moment, James said that he would ask him to go take back his seat in the City Council and serve the Cebuanos again.
Another prominent Cebuano family that lost an integral member is the Del Mar family following the sudden death of Cebu City North District Congressman Raul Del Mar, who died on November 16, 2021, after health complications.
Rachel “Cutie” Del Mar said that until now she could not believe that her father was already gone and to celebrate Kalag-kalag at his grave felt unnatural.
“I miss him every day. My phone doesn’t even ring anymore,” she said.
For Kalag-kalag celebration, Cutie also went ahead of the crowd and began cleaning the graves of their family at Capitol Parish late in October.
She said that before her father died, it was always their job together to clean the graves in preparation for the visits of the other families in the clan.
Now, Cutie did it on her own, something that gave her time to reflect on her father’s life as well.
Cutie said that to cope with her father’s loss, she offered Mass petitions daily for his soul and peaceful repose.
At first, she only wanted to offer Mass petitions for 40 days after his death, but she got used to it and has continued ever since.
Although Cutie grieved for her father’s passing, she took inspiration for his long service to Cebuanos and has continued his work here in Cebu City on his behalf.
Yet it is not only the families of the leaders of Cebu, who grieves distantly this Kalag-kalag season. Even more ordinary families are forced to mourn away from their loved one’s grave.
Mick Moria, a resident of as southern municipality in Cebu, said he misses his fateher, Amelito, so much after he passed away on September 5, 2021, succumbing to a mental illness.
This will be the first year that their family will celebrate Kalag-kalag after their father died and Mick said that it felt surreal to do so. Amelito died at age 59.
“It immensely hurts how it will drastically change now by my father being the one who always leads the prayer for our late loved ones before, but now my father is being the one being prayed for,” said Mick.
For many years, the Kalag-kalag celebration was a much looked-forward time of the year for the Moria family as they would often hold reunions and celebrate at the cemeteries. But, this year, it will be a quiet affair.
“Since it is still vivid in our minds how we lost our head of the family, we want to still grieve this year and choose not to have any celebrations in honor of him. However, we plan to have a grand celebration for him next year on his 60th birthday because he liked big celebrations,” said Mick.
Silkca Canedo, a wife and mother, is also mourning the loss of her partner and father of her children.
Romeo Plarisan, Jr., became a victim of the pandemic after he succumbed to respiratory failure due to COVID-19 infection on July 24, 2021.
Silkca said that it was such a shock that until now, remembering him hurts and she was taking her time to grieve for the loss of the most important figure in their family.
Her husband is now the second family member that she would be visiting during the Kalag-kalag as her father died seven years ago. The Kalag-kalag season has changed so much with the loss of her husband.
“Before Kalag-kalag mag rosary me para sa mga kalag, magpa misa, mag kuyog me sa akung partner, ma nagkot kuyog akung mga anak… Pero karon wala na siya. Grabi ka dakog ka usaban ako na lang usa mo adto sa cemetery og siya na akung duawon,” she said.
(Before the Kalag-Kalag, we pray the rosary for the souls of the dead, we offer Masses, we go together me and my partner together with our children… but now he is gone. It is a great change because I am now alone in going to the cemetery and I am now the one visiting him.)
Silkca hopes that her husband is at last peaceful and in heaven and she prays for guidance on how to raise their children.
Many families will be celebrating another lonely year in what should be a festive remembrance of the dead.
Despite this, the Archdiocese of Cebu reminds its faithful that praying for their souls would be the most crucial and important activity anyone could do this season.
After all, the deceased loved ones are close in the hearts of their beloved, even if the graves where they lay rest are far.
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