Birds, bees and bonding

Ongkingco

Mommy?”

“Yes, Jimmy?” Glenda said as she was removing her
apron as she came out of the kitchen.

“What does ‘virgin’ mean?”

Silence.

“Why do you want to know, Jimmy?” Glenda pulled herself together.

“’Coz my classmates say it means you’ve never been kissed before!”

* * *

Most parents get tongue-tied when their children suddenly pop out jaw-dropping questions about the facts of life. More so today, when children may ask more than just about the birds and the bees like little Jimmy.

This task becomes tougher when children mysteriously no longer turn to their parents for answers. Perhaps, the rise of parent substitutes like Google, Wikipedia, social media and forums has somehow displaced the indispensable guiding role of parents. Thus, parents are often at a loss as they anxiously observe the morphing attitudes and behaviors of their children entering puberty.

When and how should parents raise these questions to their children? How can they engage the ideas on sexuality, friendship, courtship and marriage in a positive and enriching manner? How can they help them heal through their difficulties with pornography, failed “pseudo-relationships” and peer acceptance?

Here are a few general ideas to accompany their children in their journey into and through puberty, to orient them as regards their growing need for personal identity, independence and teenage relationships:

• Houston, you have a problem! Many teen issues are resolved not by immediately correcting them but by our readiness to listen.

Keeping the communication channels open means recognizing that they also have something to say and have a right to be heard.

We shouldn’t be afraid to give a delayed response to their “rantings.” Sometimes a pondering and compassionate stance develops the confidence and support they seek in us.

• Sex, life and death. Sadly, puberty is often reduced to sexual awakenings.

Undoubtedly, there are powerful awakenings for every boy and girl at this stage, but sex is only one part of life. Life involves other realities (i.e., successes, financial trials, sickness and death, etc.).

We must form them, in the present and for the future, to be ready to take on their unique mission within the family and society and become real supports for their parents and siblings.

• Love isn’t biology. Parents who feel incompetent and insecure about teenage issues are perhaps only seeing things from a biological and psychological angle. Love isn’t about teaching kindergarten kids about condom use, which only deforms their concept of man/woman into a sexual animal or machine. Educating in love, not sex alone, covers a richer playing field: of love and sacrifice, serving others, being thoughtful, learning to forgive, working hard, and more.

• Doing > Saying. Thus, the lesson of love is shown in full action and not words.

Children will look up to what we do more than what we say.

The consistency of example, and likewise the humility to rectify from mistakes, forms children more.

But we must avoid being overconscious about their seeing us.

If we want them to be consistent, or at least to have grounds to correct them, we must begin with ourselves.

• The face has a book.

Behind a book is a hidden face. In order to see the face, we must start with the book.

It’s not enough to tell children not to play too much video games, watch YouTube, indulge in Facebook or MP3s, etc.

We must begin with a genuine interest in what they enjoy and value.

These can become bridges, not obstacles, to their minds and hearts.

They give us an idea about where they are coming from and where they might be going.

• Crushes and crash landings.

Focus on their friends and not just a friend.

Show interest for those they meet and know.

Gradually, help them realize that artificial and untimely mutual friendships often lead to crash landings.

Having many deep friendships is building a landing strip in which he or she can always land safely in another’s loyalty, confidence and support.

• Mighty bonding. You only need a drop of super glue to put things together.

Family life and love are built on small and constant acts of love and sacrifice: a smile, one’s presence, a prayer, an embrace, etc.

Always waiting for a “big moment” of time to be together often does not materialize.

But small and strong “bondings” are more sure to keep family unity, peace and joy.