“Stay away from toxic people” or “Do not surround yourself with toxic people” are sage advice we hear often. The wisdom behind these suggestions is truly important and could have a far-reaching impact on the mental health and happiness of the person
exposed to such toxicity.
Are you hanging out with one? What and who are they? How do you deal with toxic people and save your peace and sanity?
What is a toxic person?
toxic person is one who is angry with the whole world around him, including some family members or friends or even strangers. His total self is not toxic, but his behavior, attitude, and demeanor is toxic, unwholesome, and very negative. His feels he was dealt a losing hand the day he was born, but at the same time, expects that he deserves more and better. Many times, he has the feeling of arrogance, superiority, and domination.
“Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life; they may over identify and act out the parts of who they are, such as the victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr….They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way,” explains Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia.
Gale further states that “it is common for people with toxic behavior to: create drama in their lives or be surrounded by it; try to manipulate or control others; be needy (“it is all about them all the time”); use others to meet their needs (such as “narcissistic parents”); be extremely critical of themselves and others; be jealous and envious of others, bemoaning their bad fortune and others’ good fortune; abuse substances or harm themselves in other ways, and be unwilling (or unable) to seek help from loved ones, a therapist or a recovery program.”
Is the toxicity infectious?
As one is exposed to a toxic person, the reaction and interaction could taint the victim because of the pressure and stress on him.
The toxicity could indeed be “infectious” to an individual who is weak enough to allow such abuse on him to continue and himself reacts in kind against the toxic person. A strong person is less likely to be negatively influenced and a smart one distances himself immediately from the unhealthy relationship.
Washington, D.C., psychotherapist and art therapist Amy Tatsumi, MD, LPC, said “What also feels toxic to you has to do with your reaction to the interaction. Your reactions might include feeling betrayed, withdrawing, numbing yourself or being overly accommodating…This often happens when healthy boundaries are crossed and we let go of our values… Both people play a role in toxic interactions. So it’s important to consider your personal role as well.”
How does it feel to be with a toxic person?
There is that feeling of fear and “being held against your will” to listen to a lot of negative drama, as you hesitate to get out of the relationship. You tiptoe and become too conscious of your expressions and words, afraid to aggravate the situation. You sense that you are being overly controlled and need to escape. You feel unhappy, with no inner peace, angry, exhausted, and wanting to react in the same negative and unhealthy manner to defend yourself, ignoring your principles and values. This makes you feel bad and ashamed about your own behavior. If you linger around, the cycle goes on until you yourself become a toxic person, with scarred emotion and psyche.
What is the role of self-critiquing?
Analyzing yourself and your own reaction and role in the relationship is fundamental. Asking yourself if you are happy and content with the relationship and all the arguments, shouting, insults, if it is worth compromising your own values or boundaries, if you are not becoming negative and toxic yourself in interacting with the toxic individual, are essential questions whose answers could guide you to the right path.
Does the victim recover from this?
If the victim has the wisdom and will power to extricate himself from the grip of a toxic person, breaking away from the unhealthy relationship early, he can fully recover and regain his values and emotional health. Surrounding yourself with good people after the bad experience can speed up recovery. The sooner one gets out of the toxic entrapment, the better.
How should one behave with a toxic person?
The first thing o remember is the toxic individual is irrational, some are crazy, and could be violent, not only verbally insulting and abusive. Therefore, it is best not to argue with that type of person, because he is determined to win, no matter what, intelligence and logic, or absence of such, notwithstanding. Avoid confrontation because this could drag you down to his level and cause enough anger in you for you to lose your cool and values, acting and behaving like the toxic person. If he is someone you think is really a good person with a painful past that could be healed with kindness and compassion (or even with psychotherapy) and possible to change, you can try, but if all this and behavioral modification is not possible, then go and save yourself and your sanity.
How do you deal with the situation?
If the toxic person is an acquaintance or a friend, the solution is obviously easier: Seriously confront the person assertively and be candid to a fault in discussing the problem and demanding a healthy change. If this is not possible, then break the relationship and save your mental and emotional health. It is more of a dilemma when the toxic person is a member of the family, especially parents or guardians and the victim is dependent on them. This is where the victim feels trapped, helpless, and afraid to escape the abusive situation, similar to victims of domestic violence. Many toxic persons need psychotherapy. If the situation becomes really unbearable, the victim must breakaway, no matter how hard or painful. This is the only wise recourse. There are always healthier and happier relationships waiting out there because people in general are loving, caring, compassionate, and kind. Everyone deserves to be happy. Toxicity, in whatever form, is best avoided.
Here’s wishing all our readers and their loved ones an advance Happy Thanksgiving!
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